Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Bottom Five Movies of 2015 (that I saw)

It's that time of year again...not really, but I highly doubt I'll see worse movies than these in the next three weeks.

5.  Jurassic World
Ohhh, I can hear the gnashing of teeth already, yes the highest grossing film of this year (until Star Wars comes out) is occupying the least awful spot of my cinematic attrocities list. Between it's absolutely terrible writing, wretchedly stupid characters, and one of the most text-book level examples of an idiot plot Jurassic world was painful to watch, much to my chagrin. I really wanted to join the crowd and like this movie since it was indeed a fun experience at times, and Chris Pratt really cements his new status as Hollywood's new favorite face in it, but the result as a whole was less than pleasing. Perhaps it's sequels will be better since we'll hopefully be moving away from just retreading already covered ground in the Jurassic franchise.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey
Like the critically-panned, fan favorite erotic romance novel that spawned it, Fifty Shades of Grey is equal parts unintentionally hilarious, and horrifyingly bad for one of the highest selling new intellectual properties in the writing industry. Featuring an uncompelling protagonist, poor acting, cringe-inducing dialogue pulled straight from the novel and quoted verbatim, and worst of all, one of the most unbelievable, and harmful relationships between two fictional characters being framed as "desirable". It even failed to give fans the supposedly kinky graphic sex that they were hoping (in vain) to see in a theatrically released R-rated movie in this post-Showgirls world.

3. Poltergeist
I had to fight EVERY...SINGLE...URGE to put this one at #1 purely on the principal of being a scarily unnecessary remake of a classic that has already been copied, and homaged to death in the two decades that have passed (at the time of this article's writing) since the original's release. But at the end of the day, thats not enough to be the "worst movie of 2015" because it's really just an unmemorable shadow of one of the greatest horror movies of all time, quickly and cheaply dashed out to make a quick buck on nostalgia, while ultimately contributing nothing new of it's own beyond some minor changes. Consider it easily my most hated film of this year since every second of the movie was absolute misery to see scenes masterfully staged in the original made a mockery of with cheap CGI and a "SEE, REMEMBER THIS FROM THE OLD ONE" attitude.

2. Fantastic Four
I could go on about Fox's intentions for this movie being nothing more than a rights placeholder to keep Marvel from getting them back; I could also go on about how it spat on the legacy and characters of one of the longest running sci-fi based superhero comics in a way that even the 2000s movies didn't, but I won't. Instead I'll just call this movie exactly what it is...B-O-R-I-N-G! I quite seriously remember so little about this movie because it is easily the most uncompelling superhero film this side of Man of Steel! Drab, joyless, badly written and a clear result of both apathy and incompetence. It very nearly became the third film I've ever walked out of, but thankfully it was short. Thank heavens that it won't see a sequel, because not even Fox is petty enough to throw away another hundred million just to hold the franchise hostage from it's true home even longer.

1. Unfriended
These days audience eat up the Found-Footage horror genre like it's anti-climactically jump-scary candy; but when practically the entire theater is verbally heckling the movie, you know you've made a truly bad one. Unfriended is nothing more than a bunch of obnoxious teenagers hysterically screaming at each other like a bunch of twits over Skype, until they are each thankfully picked off by the ghost who is clearly carrying out the will of everyone watching this horrible HORRIBLE movie. It's not scary at all, the product placement is absolutely shameless, and it's so predictable that even the plot twist of Crimson Peak was practically on the same level of the Sixth Sense compared to this dreck. Like with Fantastic Four I probably would have walked out of this one, if it wasn't for my theater going full-on Mystery Science Theater 3000 on it (much to my pleasure). Even though my experience watching it was extremely pleasant, I can say without a doubt that Unfriended is the worst movie of 2015 that I saw

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